December 27, 2014

When 25 is no more in sight

Seems like it will be a once a year thingy to update this page.
Better be late than never.
If I were to sum up this 2014, I would say it was too painful.
I'll just want to move forward.

Always you hear from people "明天会更好"
I'll say that's a some shit to cheat young people.
I'll no longer be 25 in just few more days.
My bank account is still almost as empty as it was.
Parents and Grandparents are getting older.
Workload is getting heavier and heavier,
So is my body weight.
Stress is mounting, pimples and wrinkles coexists.
As alone as always, turning into a workaholic who works 16 hours per day.

This first working year of mine, has been hell.
Through this year I have learnt golden knowledge about the working community, how it suck the life out of you, how politics run through a company, affecting all other innocent stack holders, how to defend yourself and how to sternly say NO to assholes.

Well maybe I am too negative right now to mention some blessings along the way.
I will see if my mood turns better to come back with a gladful post about 2014.

Till then.  

July 24, 2014

Lost in Myself

By far today is one of the scariest day of my life.
And I have experienced the power of denial from myself to myself today.

Yes, because today it the day of operation for grandma.
I have a lot to say to her. I have a lot to tell her and to show her.
But the fear in me have disabled me from doing so.
Another side of me, is telling myself  "I will be able to tell her in the future, coz I am very sure the operation will be a success"

Of entire day I tried my very best to NOT think of grandma in the operation theater.
Of entire day I tried my very best to be like normal and to act casually like normal.
But actually I am afraid.
How am I supposed to carry my fear all day long with me?

I can't bear to think at all someone is opening up my grandma's heart.
I just can't.
She is the dearest person that I have on this earth.

After work I tried to casually go to the hospital, tried to casually go up to the intensive care unit.
If I have control of my heart, I will want to stop it from pounding as if I am running a marathon.
That kind of heartbeat.

When I finally reach grandma's ICU bed, my brain refused to process the following information:
It is not even processing now.

I just don't want to think of it.
I just don't want to see it.
I just don't want to face it.

I want grandma's figure to be perfect in my mind
I want grandma's laughter to be in my mind forever
I want her smiling face to be shown in front of me forever.

It is really really really complicated; trusting that things will be optimistic but have to prepare myself for anything bad.

I can't handle my own feelings now.
I can't and I don't have any idea how to express myself now.
I am lost.
I need grandma.

p/s: Pleaseeeeee get well soon popo. I love you.

July 21, 2014

Tough Times

There's always a deadly spot in our human soul, our deepest fear.
There's always harsh events in our walk on earth, our toughest times.
And there's always the person that we love the most, the person we care the most, the person we treasure the most.

Of 25 years breathing, I am now facing the h.a.r.d.e.s.t moment ever.
The fear that has crept to the surface from the deepest me.
When I have totally NO control on the happenings around me.

Grandma is sick.
Grandma needs surgery
Grandma needs HEART surgery.
Grandma is in hospital now.

My world is collapsing.
The fear of losing the one that I love the most, I care the most, I treasure the most.
Because seriously I am not ready for anything like this.

The golden time of my life has just started.
I have just started earning money.
So so many plans that I have in my mind to give my grandparents a better life,
and now I am facing the fear of losing the one I love the most.
When I have just turned mature enough to really realize how much effort they have put in me for me to become the Carmen that is standing here today.
How much heartache I have put them through.
How much unnecessary money of theirs that I have wasted for my past 25 years.

And. I have realize how hard is it to earn that few hundred ringgit.

Lately there have been so many disastrous news about people losing loved ones.
MH370, MH17, Few of my close friends losing their family members.
It really made me think, is this a sign that God is giving me,
to prepare me for a something-like-that event that will be happening on me?

A good friend has told me this "Before my grandpa passed, God has already prepared me for that."
I can't help and I can't stop thinking about what's God trying to do to me now.

This is life. Life is reluctant.
When you are young, you try to grow up fast.
When you are grown, you try to stop your parents, grandparents from ageing.

Each time I step down from the train to go home,
Every single time that I saw grandpa and grandma,
There'll be a feeling of "Oh my, they have few more new wrinkles on their face"
Life is too short for us to waste any second.
Cherish every moment with the one you love the most.
Cherish and appreciate every angel God has sent to you,
coz you will never know when God will take them away from you.

As for me, I will cherish life.
Life is short. Indeed very short.
The phrase "Time waits for no man" is slapping me hard on my face now.
Appreciate your parents, grandparents because they are the only ones on earth that will not abandon you.

Pray for my grandma.
Pray for fast recovery
Pray for smooth surgery
Pray for optimistic mentality.
Pray for peace.
Pray for us.


December 29, 2013


Traditional way. Lets do the 2014 new year resolution.
I would like to first slap this 25 year old gonna be, for her ignorance in the year 2013.
And also sayang this 25 year old gonna be, because she has graduated from university with a bachelor degree in the year 2013!! :)

Okey lets do it!

New Year Resolution 2014:
1) Save RM8000 in 2014
2) Go for vacation in 2 countries
3) Go back home at least trice in 2 months.
4) Go for road trips around Malaysia.
5) Maintain 50kg (or lesser)!
6) Go for more sports, eat less fast foods!
7) Meet more new people.
8) Work hard, play hard!
9) Be positive and smile always!
10) Pick up a new hobby (will decide what kind of hobby later)

Yes. I am that playful. 
I like to travel around.
I like to meet new people. 
I like to understand more culture. 
I am just aiming to enjoy my first year of working life. 
Aim no higher position, but of course aim for pay rise =D
Work out more, maintain best shape. 

My best days are ahead of me. :)

Signing off~ Bye~~ 

December 26, 2013

When holidays are ending...

Human beings are nuisance. Well at least I am.
It is ultimately irritating when you are jobless and you feel like a dumb ass wandering around this world.
It is very annoying as well when you have signed an offer letter from a company and counting down your holidays.

Yes, I am in stage 2 now.
For few million times I told myself not the doubt when I have signed, but, apparently the brain is a floating part of the body that can't be controlled.

Officially I have 7 days left.
Ok. FML.

November 26, 2013


So I've been sitting here waiting like a dumb.
Days of unemployed are stretching further and further,
and the root of laziness is digging its way deeper and deeper into my soul.

I have been expecting phone calls this whole week,
but it seems like those calls are not reaching me any soon.
Am I not good enough, or maybe it is their phone problem?
Or am I choosy like a bitch?

I am depresseeeeeeeeeed.

November 17, 2013

This is life.

It was just a month's time since I last posted about my updates.
But this month from October 18 to November 17 was truly happening and crazy, I'm still catching my breath.
Lemme show my calendar. :)

Of my 4 years undergraduate life, I have not encountered such happening events happening all together. 
University friends gathered for one last time before everyone leave uni for good. 
Having to be alone, starting all over again. 
The excitement and fear as the future unfolds itself. 
Emotions roaring out from the inner self. 
I'm such a pumpkin. 

I told a few friends about me being sad of leaving and starting all over again.
And they gave me the same answer "This is life".

What to do? I have to move on. 
On a lighter note, well let me just highlight the important parts.
In a nutshell, October is all about holiday and fun and November is all about Convocation.
So much emotions in this month of mid October to mid November. 
Let me just show some pictures for better illustration. 

Photo Shoot


I swear I will shed these laziness off and will write about Bali and also Convocation.
Must. Do. Some. Useful. Stuff. while looking for a job.
I feel like a retard doing nothing at home here. 

Ok deal. 
I shall start writing as soon as I finish downloading my Bali vacation pictures. 

Bai :)