Lost in Myself

By far today is one of the scariest day of my life.
And I have experienced the power of denial from myself to myself today.

Yes, because today it the day of operation for grandma.
I have a lot to say to her. I have a lot to tell her and to show her.
But the fear in me have disabled me from doing so.
Another side of me, is telling myself  "I will be able to tell her in the future, coz I am very sure the operation will be a success"

Of entire day I tried my very best to NOT think of grandma in the operation theater.
Of entire day I tried my very best to be like normal and to act casually like normal.
But actually I am afraid.
How am I supposed to carry my fear all day long with me?

I can't bear to think at all someone is opening up my grandma's heart.
I just can't.
She is the dearest person that I have on this earth.

After work I tried to casually go to the hospital, tried to casually go up to the intensive care unit.
If I have control of my heart, I will want to stop it from pounding as if I am running a marathon.
That kind of heartbeat.

When I finally reach grandma's ICU bed, my brain refused to process the following information:
.
.
.
.
It is not even processing now.

I just don't want to think of it.
I just don't want to see it.
I just don't want to face it.

I want grandma's figure to be perfect in my mind
I want grandma's laughter to be in my mind forever
I want her smiling face to be shown in front of me forever.

It is really really really complicated; trusting that things will be optimistic but have to prepare myself for anything bad.

I can't handle my own feelings now.
I can't and I don't have any idea how to express myself now.
I am lost.
I need grandma.
:'(

p/s: Pleaseeeeee get well soon popo. I love you.